Saturday, February 11, 2012

What is His Plan?

So I have been so back and forth not trusting God but trying to figure it out on my own - when we are supposed to have our next child. I seriously thought He would just give the next one to us like he did Eleanor - on His own timing, we had no planning or predicting involved at all - it just happened. He hasn't though and Eleanor is already almost 21 months! It is funny, I always thought we would be that couple that people thought, oh their are pregnant AGAIN... We aren't and I can't tell if it bothers me that we don't fit that mold or what. I am just not at peace at all with this whole topic. I thought I would have this extreme desire to have my next child and I would just KNOW when the timing was right. It is almost as anti-climactic as finding my wedding dress was - it was NOT a say yes to the dress moment where I put it on, bawled my eyes out, and KNEW it was the one. I found one I liked but had to go home, think about if I liked it enough for the cost, and look at pictures of it for a couple weeks before I decided it was in fact the one. I hate to say it, but I am almost doing that with this child. That is TERRIBLE! First of all, God is probably rolling over on his side laughing right now at this entire post but I will of course keep writing...

Back to the dress metaphor...I seriously have been thinking about the cost of another child, how this child will mean that at any time, God could give us our third at which point I would have to quit working ($3000/month for daycare...really!?) and that freaks me out because I have no idea how we could live off just Andy's paycheck...God willing I guess it will work of course...I also haven't had that revelation that I thought I would. Andy and I really feel like spring is the best time to have a baby so that he or she can spend as much time as possible with me before having to go back to work (since we get the entire summer off) and the time to conceive and deliver in the spring is quickly approaching...freaking me out!

Andy has on Eleanor's birth playlist and Tim McGraw - My Little Girl is playing. This song has brought tears to my eyes each time I hear it since I first hear it with Eleanor in my belly. "Beautiful Baby from the outside in, chase your dreams but always know the road that will lead you home again. Go on take on this old world but to me you know you'll always be my little girl." I listen to this with once again, tears in my eyes, and can't even express how blessed I feel. Eleanor is more than we could have ever asked for and that statement alone makes me so sad that I am not immediately accepting of the idea of another child. SO I had a major meltdown moment which prompted me to write this post and now that I got it all out - not sure I feel any better ha! We will continue to try to be more open to His will and guidance: Holy Spirit - speak to us! :) Or anyone else...feel free to comment :) Until the next one graces us in my womb, we will continue to enjoy the AMAZING joy that is Eleanor. Oh we are so blessed I can't even say anything else! God is good.


  1. I love you for posting this....
    you will both know when the time is right....

  2. Some times we over think things and God does laugh at us. I always say that if I would just stay out of his way my life would be so much easier and better. Don't look for the "Ah Ha" moments they always disappoint instead look to those moments of peace where you know that you have given God power over your life. Those are the moments that means so much more, seeing where he has been at work in my life and where he used me to help others. Count the blessings in your life and give thanks for all he has given you and will continue to give to you. He has a plan and you need to see where he is leading you and your family.