Thursday, May 5, 2011

Baby Blues

I am sitting in the rocking chair in the living room with computer in lap waiting for Grey's to get ahead enough so I can watch, silent apt. because Eleanor is down and Andy is still not home yet, feeling like the only thing missing is a huge belly, a box of frosted mini's, and heartburn. Why am I wishing it was this time last year ALL OVER again? It is like I have this weird longing to be pregnant again but not necessarily with our next child but with Eleanor. Maybe it is my weird Mommy instinct of not wanting to let Eleanor grow up, I can't believe she will be one in a couple weeks. I guess this past year of all things new made such an imprint on my heart that I don't want to let it go. Not that things are going to change drastically when Eleanor turns one, I think I am just missing all the excitement that came with blogging each night because I was off school, rocking in the rocker and waiting for my sweet bug to arrive. I also don't want to demean how wonderful her next year will be as every step has been so exciting and perfect! Why am I looking back and not looking forward? So not typical of my live in the future/plan everything personality. For the first time in my life I want to stay where I am if not go back in time!

Well Eleanor is HERE, the waiting is not going to happen and this past year has been and has been growing like a weed and every single minute is so fun to watch and see her learn and grow. I have loved more than I could ever imagine, every minute of it so why, when our dear friends who are at this very second delivering their baby with our same Dr., possibly in the same delivery room as us, 13 days less than a year ago, I am halfway wishing it was me so I could have this wonderful year again?! What is wrong with me? How have I already forgotten the pain and annoying catheter bag associated with my recovery along with feeling like my sole purpose was a milk cow for my daughter? How have I forgotten how tired and on edge I was thanks to a combination of lack of sleep and psycho postpartum hormones? How have I forgotten how difficult it was (still is but at least I am hopefully close to the end) to lose weight and how frustrating it was that my hip bones just wouldn't go back so that I could get my jeans over them? I could list a million things, trying to rack my brain, even pregnancy as a whole that I did not like about being pregnant so why am I somehow not remembering them when I have this burning desire to go through it all again?

I think part of me does want to add another member to our family but the other says, "Enjoy Eleanor and wait until God decides when you are ready." I don't want everyone to think that we are going to write a post in a month about expecting a second child because right now we think the plan is to wait another year but God does like to laugh at us when we tell Him our plans though Andy and I really don't feel like we just made this up - it was through prayer and discernment that we felt that was what He wanted for our family. I guess my prayer right now just needs to be for peace with God's will and that He give me the faith of our Mother, Mary, to trust in His will and to be His handmaid, that He may do with me what He wills. Ah Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!

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